I hadnt seen or heard from him or anyone in his family as my mom forbid it, since I was 10 and Im now 36. "Amanda and I met on the first day of kindergarten. You will meet again someday. I look at Vince, my partner and father to my two children, and I cannot imagine for a second that he would allow their relationship to sour in the way mine did with my father. Poems These poems are on the subject of estrangement and are written by parents, adult children and famous poets. So perhaps my father was a bit damaged by his own childhood I dont know as I have never really spoke to him about any of this. It seems that this is more common than I realised when I wrote the post. So we kept hope, kept him on the ventilator and I went everyday after work to visit him and there was absolutely no sign of improvement. Thank you. I walk in and see him on the ventilator and see the family that I havent seen since I was probably 10 years old. Sometimes the hurt and hatred that one spouse has for the other creates the estrangement between the parent and the child. I knew it just a matter of time. They had me a bit later in their lives. I just got a call 3 days ago, again he was hospitalized and not expected to live beyond a few days. It is almost as if you dont deserve to grieve. His family (it was to be assumed) were the same. Over that time I have felt loss, guilt, sadness, emptiness, but most of all a longing for something that I never had and could never be. Hi Amanda First of all Im so sorry for your loss. He also didnt care to know that Caroline is hysterical with such a kind heart. I am glad I have been able to help, even if in a small way. No one can ever take the place of this individual in the world. And I feel pain that his life ended with no one around him. Or anything. Its not grieving losing a father from now on, its grieving a father I never had, grieving a father I will never had. It was a suggested page for me and the link brought me to this specific entry. I think how can this man my mother loved be like this when she was so kind and good and caring . For one, a relationship that tanked. Without going into all the details, my story is very similar to the other posts I have read on this site. Our Loving Father God took the strength of a mountain & the majesty of a tree. My father had an affair and left when I was 5yrs old. He coached my pop warner football team and showed me how to be a man as best he could with what little he had to work with, me. Though we might expect to feel relief that an estranged parent is no longer a part of our lives, it is far more common to find that the death affects us intensely on several unexpected levels. What did she see in him that made her Marry him? I had a child of my own and wanted to see if we could have some sort of relationship, he was a grandfather and I thought I owed it to my son to try and give him a relationship with him. Its been a difficult path to walk and I felt like not many people could understand why I was so upset. The man deserved the utmost respect. I found out this week that my father died from covid last October. We havent talked about it since. Its an unusual set of emotions x, Im so sorry this is such a difficult situation. Just please, Erica, tell me these goes away soon, he still doesnt deserve the privilege to mess with my life. I am pretty much in the same boat as all the ladies who have expressed what they have gone through. I was a 7 year old child when he left and he was the adult. . In the instance of estrangement, because the relationship was so strained, sadness may not be one of the emotions that immediately comes to the front. When I found out for sure that my father died I told my husband who decided that we really needed to go to the funeral. It happened almost overnight. By his own doing. I had thought I knew this myself, and spitefully in a way left the ball in his court, so he could hold the shame/ guilt. Fighting over a particular issue is the cause of many estrangements. Father Death Blues (Don't Grow Old, Part V) by Allen Ginsberg. So yes, I blame him. Im sorry to say it but your father being adopted was trivialized as an excuse when in fact its the fundamental reason he was not able to attach to you. My father is also absent by choice. What I wasnt expecting was how this would rip open the wounds I thought had healed, and bring back so much of the anger I thought I had made peace with. He longed for a family of his own yet abandoned me in the same way he was abandoned. Informed so I could make that journey to his funeral to say bye. I still wish things had been different. Its better with time, but as relieved as I am that Ill never receive another letter, Im sad for the loss of the dad I had for a spell and the dad he was and couldve continued to be. I have been struggling that my sadness and confusion has not been valid and that my anger is down to resentfulness towards other relatives re: his Will. I was able to meet and be welcomed by my dads family and hear about him. The speaker sits on the deathbed of his dad and asks him to fight for life. Sign up for Scary Mommy's daily newsletter for more stories from the trenches. Perhaps people are saying, but men sometimes dont think, in general. Tony and I got married and I wondered if hed walk me down the aisle. She cries.. Sonnet 37: As a decrepit father takes delight by William Shakespeare. Despite that, I woke up every day and wondered, in the back of my mind, if that would be the day he would call to ask about his grandkids. Living, parenting & travelling with neurodiversity & chronic illness. Reading you blog is something I can finally resonate with as Ive found it extremely hard to put my feelings into writing. Thank you for posting this. I craved his love my whole life. My father ignored all of his old family at the funeral, which was very hard to cope with. I didnt attend my brothers funeral as it was made clear I was not welcome from messages second hand from my sister. When I went to leave, I told him that I loved him and he was free to let go. Sadness is just one of many emotions that are experienced during the grieving process. Would I even be welcome at the funeral, provided he has a traditional funeral? When I reflect on him, I just try to look at the good, even though I have to squint and use a magnifying glass.". Maybe he just did me a favor, the pain is so intense that forced me to talk and to feel my feelings, to tell people I need you and I dont want to lose you, maybe this will change me and liberate me from years and years of bottled feelings. And I know the comment has already been made about feeling conflicted about whether or not I even deserved to feel that sadness. Ive experienced intense and powerful grief and it has left me mourning not only his death but also the loss of an imaginary, what-may-have-been father-daughter relationship. I recently had this discussion with my uncle (my mums brother) with whom I have always been quite close. The last time I saw my dad, he implied that he was in a sensitive relationship and that it would be best if we didnt spend time together. You can keep condolences for an estranged family member short and sweet (or make them longer, if you'd like). Ive been going through exactly this. I found out that my ex knew, but didnt tell me. Thank you for this! No funeral even if was in the states! After meeting him as an adult I realised I wasnt to blame. For the longest time I beat myself up over why he didn't love me. I look back at my childhood and wish I had had a Daddy that would look after me, tell me about boys and teach me how to drive. Xx. Wrongs may have been committed that cannot be properly forgiven because of the death. The truth is that those we love are never truly gone. Where did it do? This is the first mention Ive ever seen on this topic, and I read it with interest. She let me sort my feelings out on my own. Mine is grief over not having that kind of grief and grief over being on the outside of it all but still with so many feelings to relive. People do not see through it and I suffer inside. The vast majority of the time they dont. Today has been really emotional and I have no idea why. My father was evacuated to the lakes in the war and he didnt want to go back to her after 6 years away and the couple wanted to adopt him. Sometimes the conflicts cannot be resolved and divorce becomes the end result. Then he went in the army and found himself at the other end of the country where he remarried 6 years after leaving me. Communication in estranged family relationships is weak at best. I do not want to read a memoir of grieving a father that the author knew, as that just feels offensive! It was somehow extremely healing for me to hear that he was a loved and respected man by his family and also his community. But why? We should not try to comfort the family by saying that "it was his time anyway", or, "he was suffering". Indeed not only was I without a father but also grandparents. I pray more people think about consequences of disappearing from each other while we are still alive. Boy and Father by Carl Sandburg. It was his failing, not mine. And now a father who is still not here, but I no longer have to wonder if today will be the day he decides he swallows his pride and wants to see his grandkids. A troublemaker, a teacher, a friend. It took 3 years for me to stop feeling guilty about what happened. Both good and unfortunately, bad. So many things have haunted me in this grief and so many things had to be considered in just a couple of days, i.e., funeral attendance, flights across the country other peoples feelings and my feelings. My father estranged himself from almost everyone in our family once he and my mother formally separated a number of years ago after abuses escalated. . .. Erica x. I am struggling a little at the moment with the complete lack of acknowledgment from my extended family and in someways my spouse. Cheated on my mum. When someone loses an estranged parent through death, there may or may not be a huge need for support from family and friends. However I had 2 friends in particular who intuitively understood and showed me so much compassion for which Im forever great full. At the same time, I also didnt want to see my fathers side of the family because I know that I will be on the receiving end of verbal taunts and the guilt thrown at me for cutting ties. When someone loses an estranged parent through death, there may or may not be a huge need for support from family and friends. My father died 3 days ago. Grieving the death of an estranged parent can be overwhelming even for someone like me who is accustomed to speaking with the deceased and bereaved as a psychic medium. So, thanks for being transparent about your experience. What Im trying to suggest is that, even if you would have taken the actions you regret not taking before he died, there is no guarantee that anything would have been different. If someone had said their estranged parent had passed away, well, they didnt have a relationship with them anyway, so what? I just wanted to thank each of you! And I even find myself acting the very same way" Keith Urban says his late dad Robert, who died in 2015, inspired his career in country music. In my therapy this week I learned that I didnt became needy or clingy, I used to be avoidant and when I talk about my feelings I rationalize them instead of feeling them, what Im feeling right now is called vulnerability and it hurts because is so uncomfortable. Hurt, disappointment, and even anger may be the emotions that are the strongest at first. I can only describe it as grieving for what never was and what now will never be. Im getting help with the hope that I can move forward. The day before Xmas Eve. Well I dont feel like I will grieve but I know that something has also been lost a connection with my past a connection to my mother who I loved so deeply. With estrangement, there's often an enduring hope that things might change. I know its not my fault but I feel so much guilt. We grieve what might have been. Best wishes to all x. At least they all got to have both loving parents in a stable home. Nana said no even though I think she wouldnt have cared less. It's a wonderful funeral poem for dads. Thanks. I still occasionally reach out to them, but, for the most part, I sit back and leave my door open to them, if they choose to show up. My biological father abandoned my mom, myself, and my older brother when I was 3 years old. Ive finally accepted that. Forgetting the past does not necessarily mean forgiving the past. Poem for Dad Who Passed Away. Hi Erica, For the longest time I beat myself up over why he didnt love me. That sounds awful, it wasnt a lack of support as such, more not realising that support was needed. I was supposed to spend every other weekend at my dads, but somewhere along the way, things went wrong. Family members questioning your grief as attention seeking only makes it worse. Ive recently had the very same experience. Thanks very much for taking the time to leave a message. floor she is tall slender with long dark brown hair in ponytail pointed nose wide mouth innocent face she confides her estranged father is famous Chicago mobster Odysseus recognizes his name they . When someone dies young, it can feel incredibly unfair. I havent spoken to him in years. The warmth of a summer sun, the calm of a quiet sea. Should I have given him a bit longer? I dont judge the cards I havent received, I treasure the ones that say I dont understand what you are going through, but Im here for you, none of them family members, but amazing friends that have loved me in my most unlovable moment. There was a time when you, Meagan, were happy to see him. The ramifications for children who are adopted even at a very young age are huge. Not a loud cry, but just quietly weeping. We are left holding the bag and it feels no one was accountable. 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